Little bit of sanity
by Mousou
Summary: We all have a little bit of sanity even in our worst moments its what keeps us human and not a Kishin so what does Black*Star's have to say during his descent into madness? ONESHOT


Wow he looks pissed Shinigami-sama's son is such a dork sometimes. Oh well makes it easier to pick a fight when I want to; and boy do I want to. Who the hell does that damn Neigus-sensei think she is trying to tell me what I can and can't do!? I'm the man who will surprise god: Black*Star-sama! Oh he's stopped the usual rant; "come down here Kidd; its a duel." Down he comes straight from the roof now the annoying waiting but once those three are here I'll have them witness it my; bigness that surpasses the 'body of a god'!

Finally the witnesses are here and they picked up Sid-sensei on the way more people to watch my best performance yet! Yeah afterall if I can beat Kidd then those other two were flukes just flukes I'm strong I have to be I have to be if not then I'm sc-strong damn it I am! Hmm he sounds good and pissed hes so serious about this symmetry thing oh well from his words I can at least know he won't be playing with me like last time this time'll be different.

There it is that wierdly effective stance of his guess my own stance is weird as well I can still feel my hands in my pockets...why? I know I can't beat Kidd with just my feet so why can't I move my hands? No time to think hes coming and I can see him clearly; right leg kick aerial my response is automatic and I chuckle just a bit as the kick flies through the place my head had been seconds ago then the sky takes over my vision then my own legs appear for just a moment before springing back.

Damn he blocked it but it was a hit ye-huh what is that laugh? Hey dumb-ass we're in a fight quit it with that damn laugh its high screechy and sounds just a bit insane. Umm why are my legs spazzing out like that why is my chest heaving why-_oh no_. Please no! Don't let that horrible sound filled with insanity and fear be me. I'm not scared I'm the man who'll surpass god that can't happen if I go insane I'm stronger than this I **have **to be so stop laughing damnit!

I'm facing Kidd again and my chest isn't heaving so why can I still hear that laughter why is it echoing? Shut up shut up shutupyoubastardshutup YOU AREN'T ME! Stop stop laughing stop pulling my body along like a puppet stopstopstop. Kidd's talking something about pockets...oh my hands of course. "Maaayyybe." Oh no its...his..._my_ voice is dripping with mockery and malice 'hes stronger than me CRUSH SLIT REND KILL!' Ahh! What was that that wasn't me that can't be me. Kidd is rushing to meet me...no the one moving is me pulled along by the cruel puppet strings of insanity I can still hear its voice demanding my friend's blood: please no.

My hand is flying out of its pocket and makes solid contact with a hasty block by Kidd it was fast and heavy its putting him off balance he won't be able to guard this next attack could...! Block it move you bastard jump away run kill me I don't care just stop this don't let it hit don't let it don't let it. Damnit body you're mine listen to me stopstopstopstopstop the laughter's back high screechy **insane** my palm is shooting out against my will that voice screaming for Kidd's death and as it connects I scream will all my might "**STTTTOOOOPPPP!/****Its over.**"

It tries to rend Kidd with its his _my_ soul power but it doesn't Kidd is moved back a few paces: a misfire. Its confused me I'm thankful I don't think it was my doing I'm not that strong if I was this wouldn't be happening at all! Its angry and confused and Kidd is berating me stating the obvious really; I'm technically stronger but I've probably never been so weak in my life. I know it Kidd knows it my puppet-master though he doesn't hes even more angry now and now the cries for blood are mixing with the laughter they'd both become backround noise to me but now...oh please Shinigami-sama help me-if I could I'd be crying right now I hate crying its a sign of weakness it makes me feel like a small child who can't stand on his own. But right now that's exactly what I am; I need help somebody anybody Maka Soul Shinigami-sama Kidd Tsubaki! ...nothing...no one...of course I am a star child after all...still if this is my fate...I'd rather die.

My body's trading blows with Kidd it seems pretty even right now so...hurray? In my last moments I can know I could stand up to a demigod. There I'm satisfied I can die now so please someone kill me. As it is I'm a monster no better than the Kishin so please kill me. Huh...a break and I'm saying some better messed up stuff. The babble of the insane final remnants of a bloody dark insanity-ridden clan. So it really is my destiny to slid into darkness huh...then fine! I'll prove how strong I am right now I won't let that damn laughter or those insane words be my final song! What do you have to say about that Kidd!? "I don't care anymore that you broke it! Let's stop this!"

I want to I really do bur I can't my...rival...friend? That's right you're a strong rival and friend like Maka but since shes not here I'm gonna have to make you grant my final selfish wish Shinigami no gaki. I can feel its presence again tugging on the strings of my body-like hell! I clutch desperately at my heart feeling its pounding in the adrenaline filled moment now I'm in control but that laughter and voice my laughter and voice is bubbling up echoing dark insane and afraid in my skull I can't stop no matter how much I want to; so I scream it clutching my heart desperate to hear its beat one last time still not really believing I'm so weak as to fall to madness so easily but its true and so. "Then kill me! Aren't you a Shinigami!?" Hes shooting forward a part of me wants to defend against the hammer blow that's about to strike my neck I can feel it tugging the strings that control my limbs but I resist unable to smile through the concentration to tell him that this is right I need to be killed **now.**

Damnit! That hurt! Which means I'm still alive no! Come on strike me while I'm down on one knee I can't hold on its getting louder harder to resist I can feel my body trying to get up against my wishes-pain. I'm staring at the dirt my head's in a crater and pounding the laughter's gone but the voice is louder it it hurts my fingers are clawing-idiot again! Pain-again! Again and again keep going don't stop don't stop until this rabid dog is no more!

* * *

My eyes opens slowly the disgustingly white room slowly swimming into focus. How did I get here again? I was told not to use yontou anymore I got mad...I broke a horn Kidd and I fought...I went mad am I dead? No. This is the hospital in Shibusen...damnit Kidd I said it properly right so why am I still alive you failure of a Shinigami! I lie in silence...nope nevermind there it is bouncing off my skulls like a thousand spiked pin-balls tyring to escape to rip and tear and shred anyone who dares raise a sword at all and that horrible laugh. Also a new voice: "Hurry up. Hurry up. Rid yourself of your fake skin. Give into your weight and walk on. The glorious light illuminating the way out is almost in your sight."

...I can't stay here anymore I perfectly realize that. But where will I go I don't remember much before Shibusen-its the only reason I'm alive after all. Whats that pressure on my shoulder...ah I'm clutching that damnable mark again. Ugh planning ahead isn't like me I'm just going to run...that isn't right I should just kill myself now before I lose what little control I have left yeah...

A familiar voice calls out my name from the doorway I don't have to look I know well who it is the only person I'd happily give the stage to: Tsubaki. "What happened to the big man who'd surpass God? If you die now it'll never happen." Che saw right through me like always impressive as always. And as always a bright shining light I can't ignore even the sultry inviting voice of madness and the screechy laughter has dulled in her presence.

As well it should Tsubaki always carries with her a an air of calm and a faint yet beautiful scent that never fails to make me feel welcome. When I return to our shared apartment its definitly this scent that makes it home even away from Sid-sensei the first person to reach out to me someone born in blood and darkness. But now though she carries all he usual air and scent there's more as well; shes carrying a dufflebag and tucked beneath her armpit is a bundle of clothes that I catch on reflex as they speed towards my face.

"I think more than anything right now you need a break. So lets leave for a bit and gain a new strength. I won't let you disappear from my eyes like my brother Black*Star. So lets take a trip okay?" Tsubaki's brother Masamune...she doesn't want me to die? She doesn't want me to walk that same dark path and after...that I want to run screaming as fast as I can away from pain and battle. I'm scared I don't want to hurt Maka or Soul or any of my friends but it may be inevitable. I'm scared and want to end it but Tsubaki had made a declaration it wasn't something she did often but when she did she followed through on it. And it made her a perfect weapon for anyone really. She was passive and happy to follow orders she could probably create resonance with most anyone but she stuck with me to allow me to keep my promise...my promise? That's right! I promised to make her into a death scythe the strongest ever and it would be easy as soon she got 100 souls she would instantly become the strongest because she was strong in her own way. And I guess that quiet strength of hers is why I'm out of the hospital wear and in the clothes she threw at me bar the green jacket that could wait instead of making my way for the medical scalpels.

We make our way out of Shibusen silently and through the silent barely lit streets of Death City the only witness the ever-drooling moon overhead. I'm walking slightly ahead-I don't trust myself behind her right now- but I'm sneaking glances and noticing things that I missed in my confusion in the hospital. First off Tsubaki didn't have her hair in her usual ponytail instead her hair was down shining lightly in the silver moonlight. Next her body language which always carried a hint of caution to balance out my own tendency to charge into things blindly was different poised like she expected me to try to run or...something. Finally her clothes themselves they weren't her usual fare but they were just as practical in a different way blue pants that went just below her knees kept in place with a white belt contrasted against a deep purple jacket and white shirt with a plunging neckline. Finally shes carrying all the weight...maybe she always has creating distractions being my weapon keeping me in line even now the only thing keeping me from falling into the dark pit of insanity..or maybe the end of my own blade.

We've stopped now as I put on the jacket; its kinda cold out but the wind is only pushing at my back as if to say 'get out' I'm happy to oblige I'm still scared I want to be far away from everyone but at the same time I want to cling to Tsubaki and never let go to run back and apologize to Kidd throw away my pride and grovel to have Soul laugh at me for such an act before receiving a 'Maka Chop'. This place is my home and now I have to leave for everyone's sake and I'm sure to throw more weight onto Tsubaki's back soon so until then: "Well then..." I don't know what I want to say.

"I'm sorry for asking something so selfish.""Hurry up. Hurry up." What a stupid thing to say the selfish one has always been me and I need this. Besides even if Tsubaki was being selfish I'd indulge her in a second if I thought it was good for her all of them really not that I say any of this to her I just turn to face her-just to prove to myself I can.

"It's fine. Going to school is just getting in my way so its a good time to take a break. Give me the luggage." I finish with a selfish and childish desire Tsubaki could carry the luggage without breaking a sweat I know but I don't want her to and I guess she agrees or maybe she doesn't want to argue on such a minor matter as she hands it over with no complaint. I sling it over my back and mildly note that's its not very heavy so we'll be hunting I guess well that could fun in its own way. "Yosha! Let's go somewhere anywhere! I'll come with you." I'm giving her complete control here and its a little scary but its Tsubaki after all so it'll be fine.

"Black*Star"ahh such a gentle voice. I let out a small noise and turn back to face her again "It might be a different sort of journey than you're thinking of. Do you want to come to my family's home?"

"You're family's?" I respond just a little afraid I don't want her family to meet me while I'm like this what if I hurt them what if...? Wait she saw through me again; she knew I was thinking of going somewhere secluded and just veto'd it with a simple question. No not a question its her subtle way of telling me what to do so I guess I've got no choice if she's there I should be fine...please?

"Yes...my mother and father would welcome us" curse her and her ability to see right through me. Now where's Tsubaki from again oh yeah.

"Japan huh...Maka and I are both Japanese so...it sounds interesting!" So we're off, off to a place where I can reclaim my lost strength and at last that laughter is gone...or maybe its been gone for awhile and I only just noticed. When we're outside she calls my name and I turn slightly only to feel her hands come to rest on my biceps and turn me the rest of the way and I gasp. Death City at night is beautiful from the outside its lights glistening like a beacon of hope in a twisted wild world the silver moonlight reflects off of Shibusen reflecting it back to the surroundings a building that would look unnatural and creepy by normal standards...like this it stands out like a lighthouse "this is the place to which we'll return." Tsubaki hummed behind me in confirmation. "The place where our friends are waiting for our show." Another hum and with a final glance and a gentle sigh; "Tsubaki, you lead." And she does without hesitation or doubt she takes the lead no fear evident in her gentle gait. Again the wind blows agaisnt my back but now it feels like gentle hands pushing me forward not away. My friends and battle-comrades whats that word Maka likes; 'Nakama'? Yeah those I rely upon and support with them we can all grow strong but first I have to find my path instead of balancing on two.

A/N: Wow this was fun and kind of intense to write especially as this is my first first person story I prefer third person limited. What else oh I don't think Black*Star knows what "plunging neckline" really means and I wanted to have him use it wrongly. Kikai isn't dead or forgotten just stalled...yeah I know you've heard it before. Also I might be trying to novelize Touhou 7: perfect cherry blossom strictly as a combat and maybe colour test it won't be very deep...probably if you're interested say so and I'll post it other than that hope you enjoyed it and hope you can forgive the jumpiness of Black*Star's thoughts and his slight OCCness well he was going insane until the end. Also this was a formatting test and..yeah it fought me every step of the way. Seriously I had to re-code the thing SIX TIMES also size is not working with me.


End file.
